Leave
by C-artist
Summary: songfic. Edward is thinking about leaving bella or not. His point of view. It happens somewhere at the begin of Eclipse, I think... if that is the book where he...


A songfic by C-artist.

The lyrics and song are from **Kill The Alarm** and the song is called **Never Come Around.**

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**Leave**

I had Bella, finally… After months of hard struggles, with fate and myself. I still couldn't believe it, why did I have to be in love with her, while I am so incredible dangerous. But she seems happy and so I accept it, grant her and myself that kind of happiness. But maybe she is too naïve, too oblivious…

_Spend all your days with your head in the clouds  
You listen too close you don't hear a sound  
All of this is harder than it ever appeared  
Nothing in your way, no one's on your side  
Nothing will change your one track mind  
Everyone around has got so much they want to say_

She's just too 'dazzled' by me, too intoxicated, too in love. And I really love her and I really don't want to hurt her, but maybe it's better if I do, if I just vanish from her already dangerous life. She's so different from other people, so uninterested in the danger around her, the danger that is me. A vampire as boyfriend, what good could come from that? Only worse, right? But nothing can keep her away from me… I'm like her drug, and yes, she's that to me too. But I could live with the craving, I did for ages with my thirst… God, it's so frustrating, why? Just why, did this all happened!? Why doesn't anybody keep her away from me? Why is she so stubborn?

_Thoughts of crashing down  
And lashing out  
Getting lost and swept away_

She knows what I really am, a vampire. Yet, she's not afraid, not one scream came over her lips. Her perfect lips. She wants to know everything, even the things that could be fatal. I'm really afraid I will loose control, that I will bite her, drain her. The cruel beast in me craves for it. I know I'm not strong enough. I wish I was! That I could be her guardian angel, or more likely, her guardian vampire. But Carlisle is the strong one, the one who represses his thirst. The one who can really live among humans.

_Why should I try to be something I'm not?  
You can count on one thing  
I will never come around  
Here is goodbye if you try to change my mind  
You can count on one thing  
I will never come around never come around  
Never come around, never come around_

And then there is that crazy wish or her, she wants me to transform her. To make her immortal. Just because she wants to be with me forever. Yes, I did tell her I was a vampire, she wanted it herself, so it would be her problem. I don't want to pretend, it's just needed… But now she knows… She's just being stupid. I know, when she asks it one more time I'll go, leave her. Even if it brings me heartache and all, she's better off without me. I will never go see her again, that's the best I can do for her. I just want to know that she's alive.

_A sleepless night staring at the stars  
Wondering how close they really are  
If you don't reach and try  
You will leave life asking why  
You got high and you can't come down  
Look at me I never left the ground  
Yeah I've got stains on my knees  
While all your dreams blew away with the breeze_

Vampires don't sleep… I hate that, I want to dream too. See how it could be when Bella was a vampire or that I was human again. But those dreams are all in vain, it can never be true. I do want to be human again, but I will never make that other dream come true… Never! But what if she… No, I won't, I'll die first before that future becomes reality.

_The cost of letting go  
Is more than you know  
At least that's what they say_

If I leave her, she won't be hurt, right? But what if it ruins her? What if she keeps remembering me? What if it's wrong to leave her? Why isn't there some book or something that explains everything… It would be so much easier… I just don't know… They say that I shouldn't leave her, that it will ruin us both… Maybe…

_Why should I try to be something I'm not?  
You can count on one thing  
I will never come around  
Here is goodbye if you try to change my mind  
I don't care what anyone thinks  
I will never come around never come around  
Never come around, never come around_

I should leave, I just… I did… Bye, Bella. Hope you will forget me, will live your life happily. Perhaps with some other guy… Me, myself will never ever forget you, love. You were the core of my existence, the very meaning of my life. I won't throw my life away though, just never another one, it will always be you and you alone. Just forget me , I will never come back…

_It's the pretty pain I love  
It's the reason that I bleed  
And still the reason I am okay, alright  
Okay, alright_

I hate the beast within, but being a vampire did brought me some good. If I never had been a vampire I wouldn't have such a great family and if I never had been a vampire I would never have met Bella. I would have died without knowing for who I exist…

_Why should I try to be something I'm not?  
You can count on one thing  
I will never come around  
Here is goodbye if you try to change my mind  
I don't care what anyone thinks  
I will never come around never come around  
Never come around, never come around_

I will never come back. Best for you, best for me. My life devoted to you, but I can't grant every wish. Bella… It hurts less when I speak your name… I tell you again, just forget me, like I never have been there… You deserve a life. And I, I will get by. Alone, thinking of you forever… I will never come around, will I…?


End file.
